MORE BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE stories, one with a silver-ish lining

A THEORY OF BAD SERVICE

My friend Graham told me this story involving a product called "The Chopper." From all accounts, he told me that the chopper was a great product. It was one of those late night television ad products that sells via mail-order for $19.95 plus shipping and handling. You know, one of those items you buy instead of coming out and saying "I have completely lost at the game of life". That, or an item you buy as a gift for someone who's getting married -- who you HATE. The Chopper was a handy little hand-held device good for chopping up coffee beans, jelly beans, or what have you. However, it had a nifty safety mechanism in that if the lid weren't closed, it wouldn't chop (so you couldn't stick your finger in and chop it up for the bloody fun of it). This was a great feature, as long as the lid wasn't broken open, which was the case with Graham.

So, Graham did what any normal person would do. He called the company and asked them if he could purchase a replacement lid. The operator was insanely nice, and told him they'd send him one free of charge. He was appeased at that, but the operator went on, asking him if his blade was dulled, and offering to send along a new blade as well, at no cost to him. So, he waited patiently beside his mailbox for the seven to ten days it was to take for the postman to deliver it.

But something funny happened - the lid never showed up. Graham called the company back, and got an even friendlier operator who assured him that it was on its way. Still, it never arrived. So, Graham called back. Yet an even NICER operator took a new order, and told him to be patient, but it was on its way.

Six months later, Graham was still calling, being told by friendly operators that a lid was on its way.

Finally, Graham deducted that there was no replacement lid coming, because there was no replacement lid. There was no warehouse anywhere full of replacement lids. There was probably no company. There was just some guy, answering phones from his apartment while watching re-runs of Night Rider. Maybe the guy was paid per call, maybe the guy was the guy who owned the operation. But either way, it is a perfectly feasible story, if you think about it. Perhaps the person who invented the chopper simply didn't think to make replacement lids, so the business plan arranged a way to handle the problem -- hire operators to tell anyone who called that they were sending a new lid, and be sure to give them excellent lip service, and eventually the unsatisfied customer would get frustrated and/or just give up. Who's gonna sue over a $20 chopper machine? Probably no one.

Now, this story is not confirmed, just a theoretical idea of why he never received his lid. Whether that's their scheme or not, they get marks for bad customer service for lying to their customers.

Now, we focus on a company called CANON. They make cameras, they make photocopiers, printers, and stuff like that. My boss has a CANON all in one thing-a-ma-jig that does copies, printing, faxes and also does your laundry, makes your toast, etc. I'm responsible for putting INK in it when it runs OUT. So, I was at OFFICE MAX purchasing new ink and noticed a sign that said if customers return empty ink containers, they will get $2.50 off a new ink container. Bravo, OFFICE MAX! I asked if it was good for all printers, and she said, yes - except for CANON. Why? I asked. "Because they don't recycle their cartridges," she said. The way the ink canisters work makes them useless once the ink is gone. Multiply my boss's empty ink thing times 150,000 a month in NYC alone. That's a very large mountain of garbage. Not to mention, the CANON ink container packaging is six times the size of the actual ink. The entire product is complete waste, from beginning to end. Thanks a lot, CANON, for helping to leave my grandchildren with a legacy of unrecyclable trash. Maybe someday houses will be made out of garbage that is never going to break down, you know, old cars and broken fridges and things like that.

But I doubt it.

CANON'S customer service isn't ALL bad, however. Two years ago, I purchased a demo-model video camera for $50 from Nobody Beats The Wiz's final sale store-closing-forever sale in Union Square. It broke in a week, so I called CANON and told them the story. They said that model was discontinued, but said if I sent a check for $50 and the old camera, they'd send me a brand new one of the newer model, in the box. So, I did, and a week later, I got a brand new video camera. So, I got about a $300 camera for $100. Not bad, considering the camera was probably made in China for $7. CANON should keep the good things and ditch the bad -- more fair treatment of customers and less waste.